An exciting opportunity has opened up in this dynamic newspaper based in Dungannon for the person with the right style, or lack thereof, and that person could be you.
The Tyrone Courier requires a Clown of singular ability and flair, preferably with makeup focus to the eyes and cheeks- the gaudier the better, and special emphasis should be given to accessories- we recommend the new bead range from Tonka.
The role is to replace our previous clown who had to unfortunately be let go due to his tendency to be a demon and murder children.
Some light journalism work may also be required, however it will be nothing strenuous and we don't expect much, mainly this role will involve entertaining children and young adults, and a bit of PR work. In this capacity you won't be expected to attend many social functions as we don't get invited to too many of those anymore due to the aforementioned child murder thing, it will be your responsibility to take initiative and insinuate yourself into such social gatherings as you can to seek out stories.
Salary is negotiable, depending on experience and overall tackiness.
There is no upper limit on hours because a journalist never sleeps. You will however only be paid for 40.
Wednesday, 30 May 2012
Wednesday, 28 March 2012
Northern Ireland Water require Shaman
Northern Ireland Water require a full time shaman or other with expert experience in divination and/or the ability to make rain.
After the issues of winter 2011, and subsequent 'lesser publisicised' incidents it has become necessary for NIW to seek the employ of someone capable of keeping track of where exactly all our water is going, because frankly we don't have a clue. Ideally the successful candidate will have his own rain stick, two of those little wire jobbies for finding underground water or one of those 'Y' shaped things, and the ability to use a Mac computer because we're fairly certain that's where all our problems started.
Standard working week will be 40 hours, with potential overtime to a maximum 15 hours.
Salary is negotiable, but we'll be easy talked to.
We especially welcome applications from the Northern Ireland Sioux population.
After the issues of winter 2011, and subsequent 'lesser publisicised' incidents it has become necessary for NIW to seek the employ of someone capable of keeping track of where exactly all our water is going, because frankly we don't have a clue. Ideally the successful candidate will have his own rain stick, two of those little wire jobbies for finding underground water or one of those 'Y' shaped things, and the ability to use a Mac computer because we're fairly certain that's where all our problems started.
Standard working week will be 40 hours, with potential overtime to a maximum 15 hours.
Salary is negotiable, but we'll be easy talked to.
We especially welcome applications from the Northern Ireland Sioux population.
Friday, 4 February 2011
Cookstown Sausages require towel boy
Dunbia Meats (Cookstown Sausages) require a towel boy for general swabbing duties during mechanical recovery of meat operations.
The job will entail wiping the brow of the guy operating the giant vacuum that sucks the meat of the bones and providing water for him to sip and splash dramatically on his face during the Wednesday evening rush. On occasion you may be required to hold the nozzle of the MRM vacuum, as such it is essential for this role that the applicant be familiar with the operation of a Dyson DC-22 vacuum cleaner or hold experience with similar, ie VAX or Electrolux.
Towels will be provided, however there is a mileage allowance for those who bring their own towels.
Minimum hours: 32, any hours over 40 will not be paid at overtime however the employee will be compensated by a discounted rate from the coffee machine in the tea room.
The job will entail wiping the brow of the guy operating the giant vacuum that sucks the meat of the bones and providing water for him to sip and splash dramatically on his face during the Wednesday evening rush. On occasion you may be required to hold the nozzle of the MRM vacuum, as such it is essential for this role that the applicant be familiar with the operation of a Dyson DC-22 vacuum cleaner or hold experience with similar, ie VAX or Electrolux.
Towels will be provided, however there is a mileage allowance for those who bring their own towels.
Minimum hours: 32, any hours over 40 will not be paid at overtime however the employee will be compensated by a discounted rate from the coffee machine in the tea room.
Murderous Cyborg required for unspecified time travel termination
Cyberdyne Systems (Ulster) Ltd require an unsympathetic killing machine with lethal intent for an undisclosed termination.
The job will require:
-Full knowledge of 1980's slang, music and fashion.
-Extensive human anatomy knowledge, though you will not be required to be 'fully functional'.
-The necessary charisma and skills to acquire transportation and weaponry as needed.
-The ability to adapt to new surroundings, particularly those at the other end of an Einstein-Rosen Bridge.
Sunglasses will be provided.
We especially welcome applications from foreign nationals.
The job will require:
-Full knowledge of 1980's slang, music and fashion.
-Extensive human anatomy knowledge, though you will not be required to be 'fully functional'.
-The necessary charisma and skills to acquire transportation and weaponry as needed.
-The ability to adapt to new surroundings, particularly those at the other end of an Einstein-Rosen Bridge.
Sunglasses will be provided.
We especially welcome applications from foreign nationals.
Monday, 24 January 2011
Tayto Crisps Require Contract Killer
Tayto Crisps require a professional contract assassin for annual salary negotiation. Must be able to operate under own initiative to fill this demanding role.
Flexible hours.
Excellent remuneration package + bonus for rapid completion + commission on savings made.
Must have full Occupational Health and Safety certification.
Two references essential, please note that we no longer accept references from Columbia or Papua New Guinea.
Flexible hours.
Excellent remuneration package + bonus for rapid completion + commission on savings made.
Must have full Occupational Health and Safety certification.
Two references essential, please note that we no longer accept references from Columbia or Papua New Guinea.
Dale Farm Seek Rear Gunner For Belfast Milk Float
Dale Farm seek an experienced rear gunner for the morning milk run operating in the Greater Belfast area.
Minimum 3 years experience necessary. Must be familiar with the operation of MK19 belt fed grenade launcher, Mk 44 Bushmaster II 30mm Autocannon, and BGM-71 TOW anti-tank missile system.
Salary negotiable depending on experience.
Full Life Insurance provided, full Rape and Pillage package offered during holiday periods, first 100 hours of psychiatric evaluation provided by company.
Minimum 3 years experience necessary. Must be familiar with the operation of MK19 belt fed grenade launcher, Mk 44 Bushmaster II 30mm Autocannon, and BGM-71 TOW anti-tank missile system.
Salary negotiable depending on experience.
Full Life Insurance provided, full Rape and Pillage package offered during holiday periods, first 100 hours of psychiatric evaluation provided by company.
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